I feel like it is safe to assume that everyone gets lonely now and again. It can be for many different reasons. Maybe you are dealing with a tough loss of a family member or friend, maybe you just had a relationship end, or maybe you are struggling with some personal matters that make you feel like the only person in the world. There is an ad campaign out there specifically geared towards LGBT youth called "It Gets Better"... and I believe the energy behind it is positive. These people are trying to encourage youth not to take their own lives. To tell them that the crushing loneliness or the feelings of sadness will one day get better. As much as I like the message behind this I wonder if its fair though to get their hopes up like that.
You don't have to be an LGBT youth to get the message. It's pretty universal. Wherever you are in your life right now it can only get better, right? I am hesitant to bare my honest opinion here but really... it probably wont. The conditions itself will never get better. The bullies will never go away, the pain from teasing will always leave scars, and society will always have an opinion about your race, creed, religion, social status, or economic background. The problem itself will never get better. However, you're ability to deal with it can get better. I myself run into this problem a lot. I am lonely and i'm sad. To the point where, yes I have been medicated for it. But does it fix anything? Not Really. All the advice, medication, well wishes, and 'Just be happy's' in the world can not take away that empty place inside of you. And nothing will fill it either. Not food, sex, drugs, alcohol, or manic religion. You're ability to ignore it and continue to live each day is totally within your control. You can try to find ways to create maybe not a happy life but happy life moments. Service for others, putting all of your abilities into a school project or work assignment, or participating in a community or school activity to pass the time. With each new happy moment you are creating the ability to formulate a happy pattern of living. This wont fix your problem right away... but in my opinion its a damn good start.
So it may not 'Get Better' but it you can
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
You are Such a Great Friend
Always a bridesmaid never a Bride. That would infer that I was even close to enough girls to have that kind of life. But I’m not. So more realistically the saying for me should be 'Always a Friend never a Girlfriend'. I am respected among males for my honesty, my brute way of helping them confront various girl related problems, and for my appreciation of football. At first glance that sounds kind of cool. Infiltrate the man world and be friends. Set yourself apart from other girls by enjoying what guys like. Well let me tell you... Girls and Guys weren't meant to be friends. Someone always gets hurt, and it's usually me… and some of my best friends are guys.
Now this sounds like a hypocritical statement. Didn't I literally just finish telling you that it is impossible? Well let me break it down for you. Guys and Girls can be friends if one person is always willing to be in pain. And ladies & gents I am a freaking martyr. I have willingly flayed my heart so many times in the name of friendship it’s practically a daily occurrence. To say that it was entirely for friendship is a lie though. Originally it starts out with a guy I’m attracted to. In order to get his attention I swoop in with my charming rhetoric and thought provoking wit and it hooks them, but never in the way I had intended. They find me new and fresh after being emotionally tortured by previous girlfriends. But one small flaw of course… I’m not their physical type. If it’s not my weight it’s my hair, or height, or eye color, or tattoos, or any number of factors. But my personality has made me so unique that they continue to talk to me. This leaves me to wonder every single time if this is the one that is going to be different.
I make men feel comfortable. I’m not intimidating, I can hold a conversational flow without dominating it, and I have a talent for seeing what is really bothering someone. I think this allows guys to relax and confess things they wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about with another guy for fear of not looking macho. The side effect of this is that we build deeply personal connections. I provide counseling basically and in return I get graced with the presence of someone I truly enjoy and find appealing. Here is where the beginning of the end comes in to play. These men will eventually bring up ex-girlfriends and ask me for my opinion. As soon as this happens I now realize that this means I am not viewed as a potential mate. I am now, for all intents and purposes, a priest taking confession. I am officially friend zoned.
I am so familiar with this zone now that when I get sent there by a new guy it’s like plunking down into an old lazy boy that has my butt imprint from years of use. Now my pain begins. I get to sit here every day and listen to how much you miss so and so, how you don’t understand what could have happened, and what I think you should do about it. And instead of getting up and walking away I just stay and take it, like individual paper cuts to my psyche. Why? Because I care about them. I genuinely have cared for each and every one of them. Because I had to try… I had to hope that this time was going to be different from all the rest. So while they see me as “the coolest girl I’ve ever met” or “going to make some lucky guy very happy” I am forced to wonder if I’m so great why aren’t they taking me off the market.
I’m the girl who hears “You have a lovely personality” more then I dare to recount. And you know what? They are right. I do have the best personality and will make some guy really happy… just a shame that it doesn’t count for much these days. So if you want a shoulder to cry on take a look around for me. I’ll be in the comfy blue recliner with a box of Kleenex and some Tylenol showing yet another man that I care enough to go through with the pain so that he can feel better.
Now this sounds like a hypocritical statement. Didn't I literally just finish telling you that it is impossible? Well let me break it down for you. Guys and Girls can be friends if one person is always willing to be in pain. And ladies & gents I am a freaking martyr. I have willingly flayed my heart so many times in the name of friendship it’s practically a daily occurrence. To say that it was entirely for friendship is a lie though. Originally it starts out with a guy I’m attracted to. In order to get his attention I swoop in with my charming rhetoric and thought provoking wit and it hooks them, but never in the way I had intended. They find me new and fresh after being emotionally tortured by previous girlfriends. But one small flaw of course… I’m not their physical type. If it’s not my weight it’s my hair, or height, or eye color, or tattoos, or any number of factors. But my personality has made me so unique that they continue to talk to me. This leaves me to wonder every single time if this is the one that is going to be different.
I make men feel comfortable. I’m not intimidating, I can hold a conversational flow without dominating it, and I have a talent for seeing what is really bothering someone. I think this allows guys to relax and confess things they wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about with another guy for fear of not looking macho. The side effect of this is that we build deeply personal connections. I provide counseling basically and in return I get graced with the presence of someone I truly enjoy and find appealing. Here is where the beginning of the end comes in to play. These men will eventually bring up ex-girlfriends and ask me for my opinion. As soon as this happens I now realize that this means I am not viewed as a potential mate. I am now, for all intents and purposes, a priest taking confession. I am officially friend zoned.
I am so familiar with this zone now that when I get sent there by a new guy it’s like plunking down into an old lazy boy that has my butt imprint from years of use. Now my pain begins. I get to sit here every day and listen to how much you miss so and so, how you don’t understand what could have happened, and what I think you should do about it. And instead of getting up and walking away I just stay and take it, like individual paper cuts to my psyche. Why? Because I care about them. I genuinely have cared for each and every one of them. Because I had to try… I had to hope that this time was going to be different from all the rest. So while they see me as “the coolest girl I’ve ever met” or “going to make some lucky guy very happy” I am forced to wonder if I’m so great why aren’t they taking me off the market.
I’m the girl who hears “You have a lovely personality” more then I dare to recount. And you know what? They are right. I do have the best personality and will make some guy really happy… just a shame that it doesn’t count for much these days. So if you want a shoulder to cry on take a look around for me. I’ll be in the comfy blue recliner with a box of Kleenex and some Tylenol showing yet another man that I care enough to go through with the pain so that he can feel better.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The Constant Prayer for Answers
At any given point in any particular day many different unanswered questions remain. That is life. Knowledge, however, is how you seek to answer those questions everyday. I most notably must mention two continuously burning questions in my life of late. Allow me to flesh them out for you...
How am I able to be shallow when it hurts me so much to be a victim of the same offense?
This is a rather recent ephinany of mine. The ephinany is not that I'm shallow of course, I've known that for years. The new revelation is that I get grossly offended that now that I'm not "putting out" per say the opposite sex no longer finds me attractive. Now my logical mind tells me that obviously they didn't find me attractive in the first place then (which may I add is a whole nother round of deep emotional scaring). Which now leaves me in a position of finding a certain type of man physically appealing regardless of how emotionally retarded they are. So let's recap that little bit before going farther. I find hot men hot, they used to pretend to find me at least mildly attractive in order to sleep with me, I stopped having sex, hot men stopped dating me which one can infer that is because I was not attractive to them in the first place, which ultimately leaves me with taste for a specific physical caliber of man which can not be met with my current lifestyle since not a single attractive man here will date me more then once which even then is usually just basic manners playing out in the church community. So now I'm brought to the realization that those men are shallow and it hurts to think that they won't appreciate me for me and won't look past my exterior. Which brings me to point two. I am shallow and hurt others the same way. I have known men who I was not super physically attracted too (or not at all) who have treated me like the most precious of gems but since I'm used to more attractive men I pass these guys over in favor of waiting it out for someone's outer beauty. Now if you'll follow that you'll notice I'm doing the same thing to them that so hurts me. I understand that a level of physical attraction in a mate is important but where is the line one way or another? How do I learn to practice what I preach. And when does it go from settling to finding a good match for more then beauty.
What do I have to do to be loved and accepted and learn to do the same?
One can only hope prayer will show me the way.
How am I able to be shallow when it hurts me so much to be a victim of the same offense?
This is a rather recent ephinany of mine. The ephinany is not that I'm shallow of course, I've known that for years. The new revelation is that I get grossly offended that now that I'm not "putting out" per say the opposite sex no longer finds me attractive. Now my logical mind tells me that obviously they didn't find me attractive in the first place then (which may I add is a whole nother round of deep emotional scaring). Which now leaves me in a position of finding a certain type of man physically appealing regardless of how emotionally retarded they are. So let's recap that little bit before going farther. I find hot men hot, they used to pretend to find me at least mildly attractive in order to sleep with me, I stopped having sex, hot men stopped dating me which one can infer that is because I was not attractive to them in the first place, which ultimately leaves me with taste for a specific physical caliber of man which can not be met with my current lifestyle since not a single attractive man here will date me more then once which even then is usually just basic manners playing out in the church community. So now I'm brought to the realization that those men are shallow and it hurts to think that they won't appreciate me for me and won't look past my exterior. Which brings me to point two. I am shallow and hurt others the same way. I have known men who I was not super physically attracted too (or not at all) who have treated me like the most precious of gems but since I'm used to more attractive men I pass these guys over in favor of waiting it out for someone's outer beauty. Now if you'll follow that you'll notice I'm doing the same thing to them that so hurts me. I understand that a level of physical attraction in a mate is important but where is the line one way or another? How do I learn to practice what I preach. And when does it go from settling to finding a good match for more then beauty.
What do I have to do to be loved and accepted and learn to do the same?
One can only hope prayer will show me the way.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Tears on My Pillow
Wow I was not expecting this to be such an emotional morning for me. First off here are some song lyrics that help set the mood for this piece.
"Can the child in my heart rise above, Can I sail through the changing ocean tides, Can I handle the Seasons of my life"
"Blackbird siging in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly, all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise, Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and learn to see, all of your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free."
Now that i've set the appropriate emo mood let me just start this off by saying i was taken COMPLETELY by surprise this morning when im just laying in bed reading a book and i burst into tears. This is not like me. I'm not a cryer. I bury everything so deep that at times im almost positive people think im heartless. its not that at all... quite opposite really. I feel so deeply that if i didn't shut it off it would crush me. I can only come up with one explanation which is i wasn't paying enough attention to keeping it locked up and it just surfaced to fast for me to stop it. Three days in a row now i've found myself teary but today was by far the worst. Sunday got a letter from my mother after 8 weeks of the cold shoulder. To spare myself more pain and you the nasty details lets just say i'm starting to realize things now that i'm older I can't believe I havent noticed before. I can't describe to you what it feels like to learn this summer that my grandparents are actually old, judemental, and racist. Ok so the racist part you kinda knew growing up but it wasn't totally confirmed. THis summer i got to see a side of them that shattered my youthful illusion of the perfect happy people I thought they were. I used to want to model myself after them... I used to want my marriage to be like theirs... but i see how they treat the people around them and I wonder if it's always been this way... and why didn't i notice it before? Now I always knew my mother had issues. I mean there was love but there was a lot of f'd up child rearing going on. I understand she did the best she could with how she knew how and all her problems must stem from her childhood as well but at some point why didn't i notice that she is so lost? Is it a social class issue, an emotional issue, a disorder, a childhood hangup? I wish i knew.
Why am I the adult in every situation... where was my carefree childhood and why do I feel like a lost little girl now at 24 as opposed to when I was actually a little girl? Did I feel this way then and just don't remember? I always assumed that our childhood fights were just because of my adolescence. I'd even forgiven the drag out fights, the throwing things, the screaming, and one or two physical altercations because she was struggling. I've always immediately thought about her pain and how much her childhood must have effected her. Why do I have to be the grown up psychologist for her behavior. My behavior was a product of my youth like hers was of hers. But at what point do I stop and say "No more excuses" Is the old adage true that an old dog cant learn new tricks? I fee myself growing in maturity and awareness everyday. not a week goes by with out an epiphany for me... so why is she so incapable of seeing her own faults when i can see not only her but mine as well. Everything that she sees in others she cant see in herself. My epiphany today has been how much like my father I truly am when it comes to my feelings. If I can shut this off then it wont kill me. I think that major difference is between now and then is that when i was younger I allowed rage to be my constant companion and that burnt away my ability to care... but now there is not rage inside of my anymore and without it, yes im a little cold, but it allows my to be filled with understanding... but I honestly don't know what is worse. I want to be mad at her for what she did... what she wont admit to doing... but it wont do any good... because i'm certain that when she complains about my brothers inability to separate reality from what he tells himself actually happened she herself has the same problem... and delusion and reason are not companions. She will never admit her fault... and i dont have the strength to crawl back and take responsibility for something I didn't do so that my "family" can continue to blame me for actions that were not my own. That might kill my soul more then the fact that I no longer have a mother who cares... and the most frustrating part is at this very moment in time she is stewing in the same way... blaming me. knowing that she doesn't understand her part in this or refuses to acknowledge it makes it almost worse then if she were just stubborn. But her, my grandparents, and whoever else has listened to her now imagines that i am the delusional one making up this whole scenario. And that is a mind trip I can't even begin to describe. I see now just how poor we truly were growing up. But not in money (even though we were) but in the ability to just be a family. And instead of taking these words as incentive to build a stronger and better life for ourselves it is only ever taken as criticism of the past. which is unfair. She feels that I think she is a bad mother. And by the books sure, stuff went wrong, but thats not what matters. What should matter is the future and how to build the best unit we can be. Because I know right now that instead of owning up to the past and moving on she is just dwelling in a history of events that didn't happen that way. I can't allow myself to bring children into a family like that. So unless there is some growth and change I will have to stay separate even though it is literally killing me. I can almost understand why Gamps killed himself if he felt anything like I do now. Trying to hold together a family that feels utterly hopeless.
All i've ever wanted is to feel like I have a happy family. And i'll be honest the reason why i'm leaving the place where I am right now is because it is killing me to wake up in a house filled with so much love. Its making me hurt. And that scares me that I wont be able to handle happiness later on when I start my own family and i'll self-destruct that too. I don't want the cycle of my parents and their parents mistakes to continue through me. But how does it end... God how does it end
"Can the child in my heart rise above, Can I sail through the changing ocean tides, Can I handle the Seasons of my life"
"Blackbird siging in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly, all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise, Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and learn to see, all of your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free."
Now that i've set the appropriate emo mood let me just start this off by saying i was taken COMPLETELY by surprise this morning when im just laying in bed reading a book and i burst into tears. This is not like me. I'm not a cryer. I bury everything so deep that at times im almost positive people think im heartless. its not that at all... quite opposite really. I feel so deeply that if i didn't shut it off it would crush me. I can only come up with one explanation which is i wasn't paying enough attention to keeping it locked up and it just surfaced to fast for me to stop it. Three days in a row now i've found myself teary but today was by far the worst. Sunday got a letter from my mother after 8 weeks of the cold shoulder. To spare myself more pain and you the nasty details lets just say i'm starting to realize things now that i'm older I can't believe I havent noticed before. I can't describe to you what it feels like to learn this summer that my grandparents are actually old, judemental, and racist. Ok so the racist part you kinda knew growing up but it wasn't totally confirmed. THis summer i got to see a side of them that shattered my youthful illusion of the perfect happy people I thought they were. I used to want to model myself after them... I used to want my marriage to be like theirs... but i see how they treat the people around them and I wonder if it's always been this way... and why didn't i notice it before? Now I always knew my mother had issues. I mean there was love but there was a lot of f'd up child rearing going on. I understand she did the best she could with how she knew how and all her problems must stem from her childhood as well but at some point why didn't i notice that she is so lost? Is it a social class issue, an emotional issue, a disorder, a childhood hangup? I wish i knew.
Why am I the adult in every situation... where was my carefree childhood and why do I feel like a lost little girl now at 24 as opposed to when I was actually a little girl? Did I feel this way then and just don't remember? I always assumed that our childhood fights were just because of my adolescence. I'd even forgiven the drag out fights, the throwing things, the screaming, and one or two physical altercations because she was struggling. I've always immediately thought about her pain and how much her childhood must have effected her. Why do I have to be the grown up psychologist for her behavior. My behavior was a product of my youth like hers was of hers. But at what point do I stop and say "No more excuses" Is the old adage true that an old dog cant learn new tricks? I fee myself growing in maturity and awareness everyday. not a week goes by with out an epiphany for me... so why is she so incapable of seeing her own faults when i can see not only her but mine as well. Everything that she sees in others she cant see in herself. My epiphany today has been how much like my father I truly am when it comes to my feelings. If I can shut this off then it wont kill me. I think that major difference is between now and then is that when i was younger I allowed rage to be my constant companion and that burnt away my ability to care... but now there is not rage inside of my anymore and without it, yes im a little cold, but it allows my to be filled with understanding... but I honestly don't know what is worse. I want to be mad at her for what she did... what she wont admit to doing... but it wont do any good... because i'm certain that when she complains about my brothers inability to separate reality from what he tells himself actually happened she herself has the same problem... and delusion and reason are not companions. She will never admit her fault... and i dont have the strength to crawl back and take responsibility for something I didn't do so that my "family" can continue to blame me for actions that were not my own. That might kill my soul more then the fact that I no longer have a mother who cares... and the most frustrating part is at this very moment in time she is stewing in the same way... blaming me. knowing that she doesn't understand her part in this or refuses to acknowledge it makes it almost worse then if she were just stubborn. But her, my grandparents, and whoever else has listened to her now imagines that i am the delusional one making up this whole scenario. And that is a mind trip I can't even begin to describe. I see now just how poor we truly were growing up. But not in money (even though we were) but in the ability to just be a family. And instead of taking these words as incentive to build a stronger and better life for ourselves it is only ever taken as criticism of the past. which is unfair. She feels that I think she is a bad mother. And by the books sure, stuff went wrong, but thats not what matters. What should matter is the future and how to build the best unit we can be. Because I know right now that instead of owning up to the past and moving on she is just dwelling in a history of events that didn't happen that way. I can't allow myself to bring children into a family like that. So unless there is some growth and change I will have to stay separate even though it is literally killing me. I can almost understand why Gamps killed himself if he felt anything like I do now. Trying to hold together a family that feels utterly hopeless.
All i've ever wanted is to feel like I have a happy family. And i'll be honest the reason why i'm leaving the place where I am right now is because it is killing me to wake up in a house filled with so much love. Its making me hurt. And that scares me that I wont be able to handle happiness later on when I start my own family and i'll self-destruct that too. I don't want the cycle of my parents and their parents mistakes to continue through me. But how does it end... God how does it end
Monday, September 19, 2011
Letters to an Elder pt 2.
Things this week have been absolutely crazy... even by my standards. I will start off where we left off last week (and you should have that reply about work and whatnot) Tuesday I lost two very good friends of mine who could not handle my testimony of the church. It hurt to lose one in particular because he was such an amazing friend to me for a very long time. The other sent me the following message on Facebook:
S______ C_______: (me)
:)
I don't see why you care Dan. And you can't say its out of a friends concern cuz I tried to reach out to you lots of times and you just ignore me. I'm so happy and filled with love for God/Jesus all the time now and understand so many principles now then before. Chastity, homosexuality, hell. Everything makes sense to me now and it didn't before and you were right about so many things. I wish you could see my joy at being so in love with the gospel. But these people have been better friends to me then anyone I've ever known. And I forgive you I know that distance is hard. And I want you to know how sorry I am for the times we argued. I was never comfortable around you because I could not understanding how it would be possible for me to live the kind of virtuous life you did. You were a shinny white car and I was a can of spray paint and I didn't/couldn't ruin you. You scared me in ways I understand finally. It was just one step closer to exposing me to what I'm capable of being with gods love . I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, I've been chaste totally in every sense and I've never felt more alive. I'm happy, isn't that ok?
D_______ C__________ (him)
Despite it all, I do care. Call it what you will, friend's concern or not, I am concerned. I LOVE that you've found people that are accepting, but the devil doesn't wear a red bodysuit and pitchfork. He wears a smile, and an accepting face while he fills truth with one lie in order to break those who are seeking God off of his path. Mormonism, Sam, is a lie, and the Gospel they preach is not the one of Jesus Christ, it is the gospel of Joseph Smith.. That does not discount the level of morality that these people live at. It does not mean that they don't comprehend the words of Proverbs, or of the gospel... anyone who can read can. But what it does mean, is that they elevate a MAN, Joseph Smith, (who I can get to later) to the level of God and Jesus Christ. That, right there is one of many reasons that Mormonism is completely off base. Sam, if I have been right about so many things, I promise that I will walk through this one simply to understand and have you understand what you have been walking into. Trust me, this is not the theology in God's word.
As for the shiny white car/spray paint thing, I wish that I was. Christ is my shiny white paint, and Im so sorry that you found me at a place in my life where I wasn't man enough to let you know that I am a broken person, save for Jesus Christ. You weren't some destructive force, and I am so sorry that I scarred you, and when I woke up this morning, my heart is sick, because I know that because I wasn't willing to love in all circumstances, and wasn't able to be honest with you, myself, or God. Heck, if you only knew. I am less than a shiny coat. In the car metaphor, I was a pinto with a shiny coat of paint and a fancy horn with tons and tons of rust. But thats what is great about all of that. Because jesus is in my life, God doesn't see me as the broken individual. He sees me as a Son.
I Love that you have found a reason for morality, and a consistent ability to practice it. Morality is something that even atheists practice. Im glad you feel alive. I Love that your happy. But in my heart, I find myself as broken as the last real conversation we had. Except now, I realize, by being distant, I may have lost my capacity to show you how completely honest I need to be about this. I Love you Sam, as a sister, as a friend, despite my distance that is my fault and my fault alone. Pray on this one. Know in your heart that Jesus Christ is God.
I am so terribly sorry.
S___________ C__________ (me)
Don't be sorry. You lived you life how you needed to and that's what matters. There will always be a part of me that cares for you. And I pray that you find the strength you need. I will say though that nothing I've learned in my few weeks of study has lead me to conclude that there is any worship of the Prophet Joseph Smith. He is seen as a prophet like elijah or any other prophet. The Book of Mormon are more parables and lessons on loving christ. Its NOT the church of Joseph Smith its the church of Jesus Christ. And they follow so closely to the setup of the new testament church its amazing. these people have been here for me when no one else was. I was laying in the hospital in agony for over a week and my own mother who is on an I hate sam crusade right now only visited me once for ten min. Where as someone at church was checking on me all the time. They have been the most stalwart friends I've ever had and its because they love Christ and want to be an example of his love. There is no hypocrisy in them. They strive to be more like our loving Savior more then any group of people I know. My mother threw me out of her house because I tried to stand up to my brother. I was homeless and they gave me shelter. They've been here for me. And when I had no where else to go I got sent to utah to live with a friends family here. I've never met a group of people who love christ more. I love you Dan in ways only we know through our friendship. I pray that you know that not only am I happy in my decision I know it's the right one. I hope one day you can accept me for that regardless.
So yeah that was a fun little bit of my Tuesday. But after a night of ernest prayer I begged Heavenly Father to lead me, guide me, and walk beside me (feel free to sing the rest of the song in your head cuz goodness knows I am) and I inquired of him why I'm not interested in dating or have any urge to do much else besides work and immerse myself in the Gospel of our Savior. ... Wednesday I received that answer in the kind of epiphany that brought me to tears (and we both knowI'm not really a crying kinda girl) and has changed my perspective on so many levels. I was laying in bed (lol yours and staring at the glorious blank plaster wall that is the center piece which makes me giggle everyday) and got the strangest impression that I should look a the Institute schedule. I did and saw that there is a 5:30 class on Teachings of the Living Prophets. I decided that I should go and I was only one of 4 people in the class (and I was late to top it all off!) but the lesson was on following the directions that Heavenly Father lays out for us and we listened to the story of Ananias (which I remember liking before but now I feel a certain connection the the story and Ananias himself) Let me set the stage for this story.
Imagine for a moment that this is the week of Saul’s arrival at Damascus. By this time Saul has gained a reputation as the ringleader of the movement to make Christianity extinct. A devout Hellenistic Jew, of the tribe of Benjamin, born in Tarsus of Cilicia, Saul was a member of the Pharisees and was taught by none other than Gamaliel, whom is mentioned in Acts 5:34-40. Saul did not agree with his teacher, Gamaliel, on how the Christians should be dealt with, however. Rather, he sought the arrest, trial, conviction, and punishment (with imprisonment the norm and death the ideal, it would seem) of those in Jerusalem. His career as a persecutor of Christians seems to have begun with Stephen, but it quickly spread to all of the Christians in Jerusalem (Acts 7:58–8:3). Saul was not content to punish some and to drive the rest from the “holy city.” He did not want to merely contain Christianity or to drive it from Jerusalem; he wanted to rid the earth of Christianity and its followers. Thus, his opposition to Christ and His church took on a “missionary” spirit. Saul went to other cities where he sought to arrest Christians and to bring them back to Jerusalem for punishment. Damascus, a city some 150 miles to the northeast of Jerusalem, was one such city. Word was out that Saul would soon be arriving. What a shock Saul’s conversion must have been to both groups! To the church, Saul turned out to be a friend, a fellow-believer, in fact, a flaming evangelist, who proclaimed Christ more clearly and powerfully than anyone had previously done in Damascus. The church did not shrink or suffer for Saul’s arrival, but it grew because of it. And the second group, who were waiting for Saul to come and help them deal with the followers of “the Way,” were about to discover that Saul had joined them, perhaps bringing other members of the opposition along with him. Did they think their task would be a simple one? They found that their cause was literally shut down by Saul’s arrival, and the wind was taken out of their sails by his conversion. What can you say about Christianity when its most outspoken and zealous opponent suddenly claims to have seen the risen Christ, and to have trusted in Him as the Messiah?
But what do we learn of Ananias, Overshadowed by the aw and conversion of Saul. Acts 9: 10-16 has become something I find myself reading and re-reading again and again. Its a story of a reluctant missionary and his call to serve the Lord. The verses go like this: 10 Now there was a certain disciple at Damascus, named Ananias; and the Lord said to him in a vision, “Ananias.” And he said, “Behold, here am I, Lord.” 11 And the Lord said to him, “Arise and go to the street called Straight, and inquire at the house of Judas for a man from Tarsus named Saul, for behold, he is praying, 12 and he has seen in a vision a man named Ananias come in and lay his hands on him, so that he might regain his sight.” 13 But Ananias answered, “Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much harm he did to Thy saints at Jerusalem; 14 and here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call upon Thy name.”15 But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is a chosen instrument of Mine, to bear My name before the Gentiles and kings and the sons of Israel; 16 for I will show him how much he must suffer for My name’s sake.”
I love how the Lord spoke to Ananias and he was instantly letting God know that he was there and ready to do what the Lord asked of him... Until it got to rough for him to handle when Heavenly Father let him know it was the dreaded Saul, Slayer of the Jews to whom he was being sent. then Ananias questions God! Asking him if he is sure and if he knows how bad Saul is. And It makes me think of heavenly fathers infinite patience with us! I swear I can almost see him sighing and smiling and gently reminding Ananias to go anyway. It has become one of my favorite lessons Elder, and one I hope you take to heart.
This lesson has helped me to identify the ways in my own life that I second guess God's plan for me. I am striving now everyday with this lesson at heart to follow Heavenly Fathers path for my life. Which brings me to the next institute class in which Brother Zarbock (a member of our ward presidency counsel) teaches the 7pm Book of Mormon institute class and halfway through he got very emotional talking about people in history who have risked everything to follow the promptings of the holy ghost. stared me down, and through tears asked me to bare my testimony... which is still very hard for me (this time especially since it was a more intimate setting and it was also R_____ & C______ first time hearing the full version) I tell you the look on others peoples faces when I finished was a mixture of shock, awe, moved spiritual awareness, and I'm sure on my face a tad of mortification since the same story cost me two friends and a family already)
Following that class however is where the real magic happened. The forum speaker was Brother Alex Boye' and honestly I think the man has changed my life. A convert who has an amazing conversion story and isn't afraid to shout it (literally) to the rafters. He spoke about how life gets in the way for converts because we keep trying to live to the standards of success our old lives taught us to strive for. By the end I knew that my focus should be on fulfilling my callings, loving the gospel everyday, and preparing to serve a mission regardless of how old ill be when I get back. I met with my bishop today to discuss the details and if I save 40% for my mission the stake will cover the rest. I did promise though when i spoke to the bishopric that if i met a nice guy who was serious about me and I about him I would consider waiting to serve a mission when we can do so as a senior couple. I did let him know though that if that did happen that I'd hope my husband would be ok for short term missions on our own over summer breaks to different places. I am so filled with the Lords love Ashton I just want to let others know of the blessings in my life because of it.
I could talk for hours but I need sleep and this letter is already too long. I miss you Elder and I want you to come home in March filled with more amazing stories and a determination to cling to the Gospel for the rest of your life and beyond.
With All my Respect, Love, and Affection
Samantha
S______ C_______: (me)
:)
I don't see why you care Dan. And you can't say its out of a friends concern cuz I tried to reach out to you lots of times and you just ignore me. I'm so happy and filled with love for God/Jesus all the time now and understand so many principles now then before. Chastity, homosexuality, hell. Everything makes sense to me now and it didn't before and you were right about so many things. I wish you could see my joy at being so in love with the gospel. But these people have been better friends to me then anyone I've ever known. And I forgive you I know that distance is hard. And I want you to know how sorry I am for the times we argued. I was never comfortable around you because I could not understanding how it would be possible for me to live the kind of virtuous life you did. You were a shinny white car and I was a can of spray paint and I didn't/couldn't ruin you. You scared me in ways I understand finally. It was just one step closer to exposing me to what I'm capable of being with gods love . I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, I've been chaste totally in every sense and I've never felt more alive. I'm happy, isn't that ok?
D_______ C__________ (him)
Despite it all, I do care. Call it what you will, friend's concern or not, I am concerned. I LOVE that you've found people that are accepting, but the devil doesn't wear a red bodysuit and pitchfork. He wears a smile, and an accepting face while he fills truth with one lie in order to break those who are seeking God off of his path. Mormonism, Sam, is a lie, and the Gospel they preach is not the one of Jesus Christ, it is the gospel of Joseph Smith.. That does not discount the level of morality that these people live at. It does not mean that they don't comprehend the words of Proverbs, or of the gospel... anyone who can read can. But what it does mean, is that they elevate a MAN, Joseph Smith, (who I can get to later) to the level of God and Jesus Christ. That, right there is one of many reasons that Mormonism is completely off base. Sam, if I have been right about so many things, I promise that I will walk through this one simply to understand and have you understand what you have been walking into. Trust me, this is not the theology in God's word.
As for the shiny white car/spray paint thing, I wish that I was. Christ is my shiny white paint, and Im so sorry that you found me at a place in my life where I wasn't man enough to let you know that I am a broken person, save for Jesus Christ. You weren't some destructive force, and I am so sorry that I scarred you, and when I woke up this morning, my heart is sick, because I know that because I wasn't willing to love in all circumstances, and wasn't able to be honest with you, myself, or God. Heck, if you only knew. I am less than a shiny coat. In the car metaphor, I was a pinto with a shiny coat of paint and a fancy horn with tons and tons of rust. But thats what is great about all of that. Because jesus is in my life, God doesn't see me as the broken individual. He sees me as a Son.
I Love that you have found a reason for morality, and a consistent ability to practice it. Morality is something that even atheists practice. Im glad you feel alive. I Love that your happy. But in my heart, I find myself as broken as the last real conversation we had. Except now, I realize, by being distant, I may have lost my capacity to show you how completely honest I need to be about this. I Love you Sam, as a sister, as a friend, despite my distance that is my fault and my fault alone. Pray on this one. Know in your heart that Jesus Christ is God.
I am so terribly sorry.
S___________ C__________ (me)
Don't be sorry. You lived you life how you needed to and that's what matters. There will always be a part of me that cares for you. And I pray that you find the strength you need. I will say though that nothing I've learned in my few weeks of study has lead me to conclude that there is any worship of the Prophet Joseph Smith. He is seen as a prophet like elijah or any other prophet. The Book of Mormon are more parables and lessons on loving christ. Its NOT the church of Joseph Smith its the church of Jesus Christ. And they follow so closely to the setup of the new testament church its amazing. these people have been here for me when no one else was. I was laying in the hospital in agony for over a week and my own mother who is on an I hate sam crusade right now only visited me once for ten min. Where as someone at church was checking on me all the time. They have been the most stalwart friends I've ever had and its because they love Christ and want to be an example of his love. There is no hypocrisy in them. They strive to be more like our loving Savior more then any group of people I know. My mother threw me out of her house because I tried to stand up to my brother. I was homeless and they gave me shelter. They've been here for me. And when I had no where else to go I got sent to utah to live with a friends family here. I've never met a group of people who love christ more. I love you Dan in ways only we know through our friendship. I pray that you know that not only am I happy in my decision I know it's the right one. I hope one day you can accept me for that regardless.
So yeah that was a fun little bit of my Tuesday. But after a night of ernest prayer I begged Heavenly Father to lead me, guide me, and walk beside me (feel free to sing the rest of the song in your head cuz goodness knows I am) and I inquired of him why I'm not interested in dating or have any urge to do much else besides work and immerse myself in the Gospel of our Savior. ... Wednesday I received that answer in the kind of epiphany that brought me to tears (and we both knowI'm not really a crying kinda girl) and has changed my perspective on so many levels. I was laying in bed (lol yours and staring at the glorious blank plaster wall that is the center piece which makes me giggle everyday) and got the strangest impression that I should look a the Institute schedule. I did and saw that there is a 5:30 class on Teachings of the Living Prophets. I decided that I should go and I was only one of 4 people in the class (and I was late to top it all off!) but the lesson was on following the directions that Heavenly Father lays out for us and we listened to the story of Ananias (which I remember liking before but now I feel a certain connection the the story and Ananias himself) Let me set the stage for this story.
Imagine for a moment that this is the week of Saul’s arrival at Damascus. By this time Saul has gained a reputation as the ringleader of the movement to make Christianity extinct. A devout Hellenistic Jew, of the tribe of Benjamin, born in Tarsus of Cilicia, Saul was a member of the Pharisees and was taught by none other than Gamaliel, whom is mentioned in Acts 5:34-40. Saul did not agree with his teacher, Gamaliel, on how the Christians should be dealt with, however. Rather, he sought the arrest, trial, conviction, and punishment (with imprisonment the norm and death the ideal, it would seem) of those in Jerusalem. His career as a persecutor of Christians seems to have begun with Stephen, but it quickly spread to all of the Christians in Jerusalem (Acts 7:58–8:3). Saul was not content to punish some and to drive the rest from the “holy city.” He did not want to merely contain Christianity or to drive it from Jerusalem; he wanted to rid the earth of Christianity and its followers. Thus, his opposition to Christ and His church took on a “missionary” spirit. Saul went to other cities where he sought to arrest Christians and to bring them back to Jerusalem for punishment. Damascus, a city some 150 miles to the northeast of Jerusalem, was one such city. Word was out that Saul would soon be arriving. What a shock Saul’s conversion must have been to both groups! To the church, Saul turned out to be a friend, a fellow-believer, in fact, a flaming evangelist, who proclaimed Christ more clearly and powerfully than anyone had previously done in Damascus. The church did not shrink or suffer for Saul’s arrival, but it grew because of it. And the second group, who were waiting for Saul to come and help them deal with the followers of “the Way,” were about to discover that Saul had joined them, perhaps bringing other members of the opposition along with him. Did they think their task would be a simple one? They found that their cause was literally shut down by Saul’s arrival, and the wind was taken out of their sails by his conversion. What can you say about Christianity when its most outspoken and zealous opponent suddenly claims to have seen the risen Christ, and to have trusted in Him as the Messiah?
But what do we learn of Ananias, Overshadowed by the aw and conversion of Saul. Acts 9: 10-16 has become something I find myself reading and re-reading again and again. Its a story of a reluctant missionary and his call to serve the Lord. The verses go like this: 10 Now there was a certain disciple at Damascus, named Ananias; and the Lord said to him in a vision, “Ananias.” And he said, “Behold, here am I, Lord.” 11 And the Lord said to him, “Arise and go to the street called Straight, and inquire at the house of Judas for a man from Tarsus named Saul, for behold, he is praying, 12 and he has seen in a vision a man named Ananias come in and lay his hands on him, so that he might regain his sight.” 13 But Ananias answered, “Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much harm he did to Thy saints at Jerusalem; 14 and here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call upon Thy name.”15 But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is a chosen instrument of Mine, to bear My name before the Gentiles and kings and the sons of Israel; 16 for I will show him how much he must suffer for My name’s sake.”
I love how the Lord spoke to Ananias and he was instantly letting God know that he was there and ready to do what the Lord asked of him... Until it got to rough for him to handle when Heavenly Father let him know it was the dreaded Saul, Slayer of the Jews to whom he was being sent. then Ananias questions God! Asking him if he is sure and if he knows how bad Saul is. And It makes me think of heavenly fathers infinite patience with us! I swear I can almost see him sighing and smiling and gently reminding Ananias to go anyway. It has become one of my favorite lessons Elder, and one I hope you take to heart.
This lesson has helped me to identify the ways in my own life that I second guess God's plan for me. I am striving now everyday with this lesson at heart to follow Heavenly Fathers path for my life. Which brings me to the next institute class in which Brother Zarbock (a member of our ward presidency counsel) teaches the 7pm Book of Mormon institute class and halfway through he got very emotional talking about people in history who have risked everything to follow the promptings of the holy ghost. stared me down, and through tears asked me to bare my testimony... which is still very hard for me (this time especially since it was a more intimate setting and it was also R_____ & C______ first time hearing the full version) I tell you the look on others peoples faces when I finished was a mixture of shock, awe, moved spiritual awareness, and I'm sure on my face a tad of mortification since the same story cost me two friends and a family already)
Following that class however is where the real magic happened. The forum speaker was Brother Alex Boye' and honestly I think the man has changed my life. A convert who has an amazing conversion story and isn't afraid to shout it (literally) to the rafters. He spoke about how life gets in the way for converts because we keep trying to live to the standards of success our old lives taught us to strive for. By the end I knew that my focus should be on fulfilling my callings, loving the gospel everyday, and preparing to serve a mission regardless of how old ill be when I get back. I met with my bishop today to discuss the details and if I save 40% for my mission the stake will cover the rest. I did promise though when i spoke to the bishopric that if i met a nice guy who was serious about me and I about him I would consider waiting to serve a mission when we can do so as a senior couple. I did let him know though that if that did happen that I'd hope my husband would be ok for short term missions on our own over summer breaks to different places. I am so filled with the Lords love Ashton I just want to let others know of the blessings in my life because of it.
I could talk for hours but I need sleep and this letter is already too long. I miss you Elder and I want you to come home in March filled with more amazing stories and a determination to cling to the Gospel for the rest of your life and beyond.
With All my Respect, Love, and Affection
Samantha
Letter to An Elder pt 1
Honestly there are good and bad days. And all of that depends on the people I find myself surrounded by. Your sister and her friends are adorable and don't make me feel too old lol and there is a girl from the Ward that i've gotten pretty close to. Her name is M_____ and she is my age and a teacher and dislikes boys as much as I do lol. Speaking of boys no, I have been on two dates and havent been inclined to share my blessing with either. Both are RM's, one my age and one 21. The one my age isnt temple worthy and isnt working on fixing it (and i dont want a boy that is a project lol) and the other one I had a lovely time with but we just both felt the friend thing. He did laugh with me all night though and I know we will be great friends (and we have to be since he is the chair of the fellowship committee i.e my boss lol) Other then that I don't know I might go on dates if im asked but I don't feel much like dating.... i know i know, the prophet is disappointed in me for that, but i don't know the more i feel like everyone pushes its significance the less I want to. And besides, guys always see me as a friend anyway and thats not all bad. Overall i'm satisfied with my lot in life but it is a little discouraging living in a house with beautiful people and then being in utah where the girls are just stunning even if some of them aren't great people on the inside lol. I'm not always the best about staying positive. The Ward is alright and everyone is nice, i dont know why it bothers me so much. I'm feeling the spirit a ton in sacrement meetings and at the temple but something is just off for me. Maybe its because im so used to our tiny branch and having you guys around. My coworkers are an entirely different story. Honestly, i just feel so bad for them. I know that they are just picking on me because im available. But I can see how people in the church burned them and I refuse to give them any reason to dislike me so at least they will know one latter day saint that isnt a total hypocrite and hasn't hurt them so maybe that will soften their hearts to the gospel. One of my co workers, was lds in his youth since his mother had them convert and he was ok with the church until his mom had an affair with two boys from his young mens class. She went to prison and was excommunicated and that left him in foster homes and when his friends from the ward found out they told him they couldn't and wouldn't be his friend anymore since she was excommunicated. he was bounced around in the foster care system and you can tell how much he harbors hate against his mother for everything he has been through. Then he married a girl with a mormon family and when their son was 17months old he died of respiratory failure (He was the EMT on call) and he couldn't save his son and the families fought over funeral arrangements. His biggest argument is that he has done good in his life and has saved 47 lives as an EMT and how dare anyone tell him that he wont go to the best parts of heaven. He also sees so much hypocrisy here in the church in utah (We watched a woman in garments buy alcohol for example) and just has so much hate in his heart. He lashes out at me about it and i wont fight back which i think frustrates him more. I asked him to stop the other day and he lashed out and made me cry and then i could see how since i wasn't fighting back it was tearing at him to be nicer to me and he eventually apologized. Another man I work with had an abusive father that used the priesthood as justification for his absolute right to abuse his children and step children as he saw fit, mostly sexual abuse. This co worker still maintains his positive outlook on life which is such an amazing inspiration to me and is respectful of me and i think could easily be brought back to the gospel but his hatred of wards runs deep since he is a bigger guy and was made fun of or ignored almost everywhere he went. No one bothered to get to know him since he didn't fit in well socially or esthetically. He stopped dating all together and has retreated into a life of work and video games. he however still maintains his virtuous and temple worthy lifestyle which gives me hope. I could go on and on about more people from work and more stories but I don't want to overkill it. Just that I wish i knew exactly what to say or do to help.
As for my temple visits I'm loving them. The only down side is I wish they had a place for unendowed members to just go and sit and enjoy being in the temple and not be rushed through baptisms. I love the font at draper and the feel of old world charm at Salt Lake. I stumped a temple worker with a question about the oxen and which direction certain tribes faced. When him and 3 other workers had given up trying to come up with an answer it made me think of you and how i should prob stop asking tough questions (lol) I have a new goal, if i get married i'd really like us to take vacations to visit as many temples as possible. I love them. I keep hearing about the majesty that is Lake Powell trips with the D_______. Lol im afraid to go on a family vacation since i don't want to feel like im imposing for one thing, and another it just feels like its something special the family shares. It just feels like im a voyer sometimes looking in on an amazing family through glass. And do not for one second think that is anyones fault since everyone here is super amazingly wonderfully nice to me. (even if i do have to bribe C_____ for a ride home with a corn dog and half a dozen donuts) Im car hunting and should have something in the next month if i keep getting good hours and solid paychecks. Then I can start school in the coming months. P.S i totally almost prophesied the end of dodgeball didn't I! Its eerie how i'm right about everything all the time. lol. I will do my best to have fun for us both. And you work on your end of the deal which is bringing the gospel to people like me who need it. P.P.S - tell me you know about Elder C_____ having SEVEN people scheduled for baptisms. WHAT THE WHAT! that kid is determined to b a rockstar going out with a bang. Im so proud of all of you all the time. P.P.P.S - if one more missionary asks me to introduce them to your sister when they get home from their mission I will vomit.
Lol
Love your face Elder, Keep up the Awesomeness
As for my temple visits I'm loving them. The only down side is I wish they had a place for unendowed members to just go and sit and enjoy being in the temple and not be rushed through baptisms. I love the font at draper and the feel of old world charm at Salt Lake. I stumped a temple worker with a question about the oxen and which direction certain tribes faced. When him and 3 other workers had given up trying to come up with an answer it made me think of you and how i should prob stop asking tough questions (lol) I have a new goal, if i get married i'd really like us to take vacations to visit as many temples as possible. I love them. I keep hearing about the majesty that is Lake Powell trips with the D_______. Lol im afraid to go on a family vacation since i don't want to feel like im imposing for one thing, and another it just feels like its something special the family shares. It just feels like im a voyer sometimes looking in on an amazing family through glass. And do not for one second think that is anyones fault since everyone here is super amazingly wonderfully nice to me. (even if i do have to bribe C_____ for a ride home with a corn dog and half a dozen donuts) Im car hunting and should have something in the next month if i keep getting good hours and solid paychecks. Then I can start school in the coming months. P.S i totally almost prophesied the end of dodgeball didn't I! Its eerie how i'm right about everything all the time. lol. I will do my best to have fun for us both. And you work on your end of the deal which is bringing the gospel to people like me who need it. P.P.S - tell me you know about Elder C_____ having SEVEN people scheduled for baptisms. WHAT THE WHAT! that kid is determined to b a rockstar going out with a bang. Im so proud of all of you all the time. P.P.P.S - if one more missionary asks me to introduce them to your sister when they get home from their mission I will vomit.
Lol
Love your face Elder, Keep up the Awesomeness
Quick Generic Update!
I will say my love for Colorado has helped the transition here to Utah much easier since I was pre accustomed to the mountain life style. I will say being surrounded by mountains though is definitely not helping my sense of direction! I'm so used to knowing that the mountains are always west! haha. That being said Utah has the most unique city planning that I've ever seen. It is a grid system that uses coordinates instead of road names for its major throughways. So for example I was trying to find this address the other day: 1700 E 15400 S. lol if you are confused then join the club. I have been blessed though with semi decent navigation skills (or I like to think) and so far have only been so lost once that i needed to pull over and stop freaking out. It truly is beautiful here and they get all 4 seasons, the altitude is about 1,000 feet less then Denver (which is great since im a baby about altitude... lol I know you are laughing at me Nick), and I get minimal humidity. There are a few downsides as well like everyone here being just as health conscious as Coloradans and the Great Salt Lake smells funky (brine shrimp=gross). All in all though its pretty!
As far as myself is concerned I got a job working at a convenience store down the street from me and they have been very generous with hours and im looking forward to a paycheck! The car hunt continues as I look for something cheep to get me to school and back! Which brings me to school! I will be attending the Aveda Institute in Provo for my Estheticians license and LDS Business College for my associates degree in Business Management. I'm very excited to start getting these things taken care of so I can work on being a more functioning adult lol. My new ward (church) out here is great, everyone is so amazingly nice and helpful and have made the transition very easy. Making new friends has been in the forefront of my agenda and I am having a wonderful time getting to know the 70 plus people at our ward. I have received a calling (which is just a fancy term for a job to do in the church organization) and I am working on the Fellowship Committee and the sub committee I am working on helps Returned Missionaries readjust to social life after being gone for 2 years! It's so much fun and works out really well for me since my personality is pretty open and I hope reassuring to these brothers and sisters coming home. My partner on this committee is a Returned Missionary himself (and also happens to be a part of the family i'm living with... which makes meetings pretty easy since all I have to do is yell downstairs lol) and he brings amazing inside knowledge on the best way to help! The second calling is helping to organize a night of broadway entertainment for a dinner the church is having in October. I have also been asked to speak at our Stake Conference (pending final approval of the schedule) and i'm a little nervous to talk in front of that many people (im thinking its going to be a thousand plus) but I know that God will provide the strength I need! I've completed talking to my Bishop and following some amazing promptings from the Holy Ghost and have decided to start taking steps towards serving a mission. Since I have a basis in French from High School so I've got my fingers crossed for the France mission which would be amazing but i'd be happy going anywhere! This Summer I am going with some of the Densleys to do a short term mission in Africa, specifically Ghana, and I couldn't be more excited for the opportunity to help out people less fortunate then myself.
As far as my health is concerned thank you all for your support and love through the last couple of weeks. I am waiting to meet with a Gastro Doctor here to discuss the length of time before I will develop Crohn's Disease. Right now the prognosis is still Chronic Colitis (a reoccurring inflamation of the Colon and digestive tract) I am so thankful for your prayers and support as I spend this time recovering my immune system from my time in the hospital. It's taking a little longer then we would like since I wasn't in the best health prior to my hospitalization. I've been fighting the same nasty cold for almost two weeks! Gross! In my spare time though I've been staying positive by finding some new hobbies, the biggest one being cooking! I'm enjoying it so much i've been cooking a big meal for friends and my host family here and they have been so fun! Last night I fed 14 people and it was so great to know that I didn't poison anyone. I ask that in your prayers this week you include the family of Phil Tamm who was a member of my ward and died unexpectedly Sunday night. He was a very nice young man who I had the pleasure of sitting next to on Sunday at church and it has been a huge loss for our congregation. It has been devastating to our community and his family and if you could jut send those positive prayers their way I know it would not be unappreciated.
As far as myself is concerned I got a job working at a convenience store down the street from me and they have been very generous with hours and im looking forward to a paycheck! The car hunt continues as I look for something cheep to get me to school and back! Which brings me to school! I will be attending the Aveda Institute in Provo for my Estheticians license and LDS Business College for my associates degree in Business Management. I'm very excited to start getting these things taken care of so I can work on being a more functioning adult lol. My new ward (church) out here is great, everyone is so amazingly nice and helpful and have made the transition very easy. Making new friends has been in the forefront of my agenda and I am having a wonderful time getting to know the 70 plus people at our ward. I have received a calling (which is just a fancy term for a job to do in the church organization) and I am working on the Fellowship Committee and the sub committee I am working on helps Returned Missionaries readjust to social life after being gone for 2 years! It's so much fun and works out really well for me since my personality is pretty open and I hope reassuring to these brothers and sisters coming home. My partner on this committee is a Returned Missionary himself (and also happens to be a part of the family i'm living with... which makes meetings pretty easy since all I have to do is yell downstairs lol) and he brings amazing inside knowledge on the best way to help! The second calling is helping to organize a night of broadway entertainment for a dinner the church is having in October. I have also been asked to speak at our Stake Conference (pending final approval of the schedule) and i'm a little nervous to talk in front of that many people (im thinking its going to be a thousand plus) but I know that God will provide the strength I need! I've completed talking to my Bishop and following some amazing promptings from the Holy Ghost and have decided to start taking steps towards serving a mission. Since I have a basis in French from High School so I've got my fingers crossed for the France mission which would be amazing but i'd be happy going anywhere! This Summer I am going with some of the Densleys to do a short term mission in Africa, specifically Ghana, and I couldn't be more excited for the opportunity to help out people less fortunate then myself.
As far as my health is concerned thank you all for your support and love through the last couple of weeks. I am waiting to meet with a Gastro Doctor here to discuss the length of time before I will develop Crohn's Disease. Right now the prognosis is still Chronic Colitis (a reoccurring inflamation of the Colon and digestive tract) I am so thankful for your prayers and support as I spend this time recovering my immune system from my time in the hospital. It's taking a little longer then we would like since I wasn't in the best health prior to my hospitalization. I've been fighting the same nasty cold for almost two weeks! Gross! In my spare time though I've been staying positive by finding some new hobbies, the biggest one being cooking! I'm enjoying it so much i've been cooking a big meal for friends and my host family here and they have been so fun! Last night I fed 14 people and it was so great to know that I didn't poison anyone. I ask that in your prayers this week you include the family of Phil Tamm who was a member of my ward and died unexpectedly Sunday night. He was a very nice young man who I had the pleasure of sitting next to on Sunday at church and it has been a huge loss for our congregation. It has been devastating to our community and his family and if you could jut send those positive prayers their way I know it would not be unappreciated.
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