At any given point in any particular day many different unanswered questions remain. That is life. Knowledge, however, is how you seek to answer those questions everyday. I most notably must mention two continuously burning questions in my life of late. Allow me to flesh them out for you...
How am I able to be shallow when it hurts me so much to be a victim of the same offense?
This is a rather recent ephinany of mine. The ephinany is not that I'm shallow of course, I've known that for years. The new revelation is that I get grossly offended that now that I'm not "putting out" per say the opposite sex no longer finds me attractive. Now my logical mind tells me that obviously they didn't find me attractive in the first place then (which may I add is a whole nother round of deep emotional scaring). Which now leaves me in a position of finding a certain type of man physically appealing regardless of how emotionally retarded they are. So let's recap that little bit before going farther. I find hot men hot, they used to pretend to find me at least mildly attractive in order to sleep with me, I stopped having sex, hot men stopped dating me which one can infer that is because I was not attractive to them in the first place, which ultimately leaves me with taste for a specific physical caliber of man which can not be met with my current lifestyle since not a single attractive man here will date me more then once which even then is usually just basic manners playing out in the church community. So now I'm brought to the realization that those men are shallow and it hurts to think that they won't appreciate me for me and won't look past my exterior. Which brings me to point two. I am shallow and hurt others the same way. I have known men who I was not super physically attracted too (or not at all) who have treated me like the most precious of gems but since I'm used to more attractive men I pass these guys over in favor of waiting it out for someone's outer beauty. Now if you'll follow that you'll notice I'm doing the same thing to them that so hurts me. I understand that a level of physical attraction in a mate is important but where is the line one way or another? How do I learn to practice what I preach. And when does it go from settling to finding a good match for more then beauty.
What do I have to do to be loved and accepted and learn to do the same?
One can only hope prayer will show me the way.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Tears on My Pillow
Wow I was not expecting this to be such an emotional morning for me. First off here are some song lyrics that help set the mood for this piece.
"Can the child in my heart rise above, Can I sail through the changing ocean tides, Can I handle the Seasons of my life"
"Blackbird siging in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly, all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise, Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and learn to see, all of your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free."
Now that i've set the appropriate emo mood let me just start this off by saying i was taken COMPLETELY by surprise this morning when im just laying in bed reading a book and i burst into tears. This is not like me. I'm not a cryer. I bury everything so deep that at times im almost positive people think im heartless. its not that at all... quite opposite really. I feel so deeply that if i didn't shut it off it would crush me. I can only come up with one explanation which is i wasn't paying enough attention to keeping it locked up and it just surfaced to fast for me to stop it. Three days in a row now i've found myself teary but today was by far the worst. Sunday got a letter from my mother after 8 weeks of the cold shoulder. To spare myself more pain and you the nasty details lets just say i'm starting to realize things now that i'm older I can't believe I havent noticed before. I can't describe to you what it feels like to learn this summer that my grandparents are actually old, judemental, and racist. Ok so the racist part you kinda knew growing up but it wasn't totally confirmed. THis summer i got to see a side of them that shattered my youthful illusion of the perfect happy people I thought they were. I used to want to model myself after them... I used to want my marriage to be like theirs... but i see how they treat the people around them and I wonder if it's always been this way... and why didn't i notice it before? Now I always knew my mother had issues. I mean there was love but there was a lot of f'd up child rearing going on. I understand she did the best she could with how she knew how and all her problems must stem from her childhood as well but at some point why didn't i notice that she is so lost? Is it a social class issue, an emotional issue, a disorder, a childhood hangup? I wish i knew.
Why am I the adult in every situation... where was my carefree childhood and why do I feel like a lost little girl now at 24 as opposed to when I was actually a little girl? Did I feel this way then and just don't remember? I always assumed that our childhood fights were just because of my adolescence. I'd even forgiven the drag out fights, the throwing things, the screaming, and one or two physical altercations because she was struggling. I've always immediately thought about her pain and how much her childhood must have effected her. Why do I have to be the grown up psychologist for her behavior. My behavior was a product of my youth like hers was of hers. But at what point do I stop and say "No more excuses" Is the old adage true that an old dog cant learn new tricks? I fee myself growing in maturity and awareness everyday. not a week goes by with out an epiphany for me... so why is she so incapable of seeing her own faults when i can see not only her but mine as well. Everything that she sees in others she cant see in herself. My epiphany today has been how much like my father I truly am when it comes to my feelings. If I can shut this off then it wont kill me. I think that major difference is between now and then is that when i was younger I allowed rage to be my constant companion and that burnt away my ability to care... but now there is not rage inside of my anymore and without it, yes im a little cold, but it allows my to be filled with understanding... but I honestly don't know what is worse. I want to be mad at her for what she did... what she wont admit to doing... but it wont do any good... because i'm certain that when she complains about my brothers inability to separate reality from what he tells himself actually happened she herself has the same problem... and delusion and reason are not companions. She will never admit her fault... and i dont have the strength to crawl back and take responsibility for something I didn't do so that my "family" can continue to blame me for actions that were not my own. That might kill my soul more then the fact that I no longer have a mother who cares... and the most frustrating part is at this very moment in time she is stewing in the same way... blaming me. knowing that she doesn't understand her part in this or refuses to acknowledge it makes it almost worse then if she were just stubborn. But her, my grandparents, and whoever else has listened to her now imagines that i am the delusional one making up this whole scenario. And that is a mind trip I can't even begin to describe. I see now just how poor we truly were growing up. But not in money (even though we were) but in the ability to just be a family. And instead of taking these words as incentive to build a stronger and better life for ourselves it is only ever taken as criticism of the past. which is unfair. She feels that I think she is a bad mother. And by the books sure, stuff went wrong, but thats not what matters. What should matter is the future and how to build the best unit we can be. Because I know right now that instead of owning up to the past and moving on she is just dwelling in a history of events that didn't happen that way. I can't allow myself to bring children into a family like that. So unless there is some growth and change I will have to stay separate even though it is literally killing me. I can almost understand why Gamps killed himself if he felt anything like I do now. Trying to hold together a family that feels utterly hopeless.
All i've ever wanted is to feel like I have a happy family. And i'll be honest the reason why i'm leaving the place where I am right now is because it is killing me to wake up in a house filled with so much love. Its making me hurt. And that scares me that I wont be able to handle happiness later on when I start my own family and i'll self-destruct that too. I don't want the cycle of my parents and their parents mistakes to continue through me. But how does it end... God how does it end
"Can the child in my heart rise above, Can I sail through the changing ocean tides, Can I handle the Seasons of my life"
"Blackbird siging in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly, all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise, Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and learn to see, all of your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free."
Now that i've set the appropriate emo mood let me just start this off by saying i was taken COMPLETELY by surprise this morning when im just laying in bed reading a book and i burst into tears. This is not like me. I'm not a cryer. I bury everything so deep that at times im almost positive people think im heartless. its not that at all... quite opposite really. I feel so deeply that if i didn't shut it off it would crush me. I can only come up with one explanation which is i wasn't paying enough attention to keeping it locked up and it just surfaced to fast for me to stop it. Three days in a row now i've found myself teary but today was by far the worst. Sunday got a letter from my mother after 8 weeks of the cold shoulder. To spare myself more pain and you the nasty details lets just say i'm starting to realize things now that i'm older I can't believe I havent noticed before. I can't describe to you what it feels like to learn this summer that my grandparents are actually old, judemental, and racist. Ok so the racist part you kinda knew growing up but it wasn't totally confirmed. THis summer i got to see a side of them that shattered my youthful illusion of the perfect happy people I thought they were. I used to want to model myself after them... I used to want my marriage to be like theirs... but i see how they treat the people around them and I wonder if it's always been this way... and why didn't i notice it before? Now I always knew my mother had issues. I mean there was love but there was a lot of f'd up child rearing going on. I understand she did the best she could with how she knew how and all her problems must stem from her childhood as well but at some point why didn't i notice that she is so lost? Is it a social class issue, an emotional issue, a disorder, a childhood hangup? I wish i knew.
Why am I the adult in every situation... where was my carefree childhood and why do I feel like a lost little girl now at 24 as opposed to when I was actually a little girl? Did I feel this way then and just don't remember? I always assumed that our childhood fights were just because of my adolescence. I'd even forgiven the drag out fights, the throwing things, the screaming, and one or two physical altercations because she was struggling. I've always immediately thought about her pain and how much her childhood must have effected her. Why do I have to be the grown up psychologist for her behavior. My behavior was a product of my youth like hers was of hers. But at what point do I stop and say "No more excuses" Is the old adage true that an old dog cant learn new tricks? I fee myself growing in maturity and awareness everyday. not a week goes by with out an epiphany for me... so why is she so incapable of seeing her own faults when i can see not only her but mine as well. Everything that she sees in others she cant see in herself. My epiphany today has been how much like my father I truly am when it comes to my feelings. If I can shut this off then it wont kill me. I think that major difference is between now and then is that when i was younger I allowed rage to be my constant companion and that burnt away my ability to care... but now there is not rage inside of my anymore and without it, yes im a little cold, but it allows my to be filled with understanding... but I honestly don't know what is worse. I want to be mad at her for what she did... what she wont admit to doing... but it wont do any good... because i'm certain that when she complains about my brothers inability to separate reality from what he tells himself actually happened she herself has the same problem... and delusion and reason are not companions. She will never admit her fault... and i dont have the strength to crawl back and take responsibility for something I didn't do so that my "family" can continue to blame me for actions that were not my own. That might kill my soul more then the fact that I no longer have a mother who cares... and the most frustrating part is at this very moment in time she is stewing in the same way... blaming me. knowing that she doesn't understand her part in this or refuses to acknowledge it makes it almost worse then if she were just stubborn. But her, my grandparents, and whoever else has listened to her now imagines that i am the delusional one making up this whole scenario. And that is a mind trip I can't even begin to describe. I see now just how poor we truly were growing up. But not in money (even though we were) but in the ability to just be a family. And instead of taking these words as incentive to build a stronger and better life for ourselves it is only ever taken as criticism of the past. which is unfair. She feels that I think she is a bad mother. And by the books sure, stuff went wrong, but thats not what matters. What should matter is the future and how to build the best unit we can be. Because I know right now that instead of owning up to the past and moving on she is just dwelling in a history of events that didn't happen that way. I can't allow myself to bring children into a family like that. So unless there is some growth and change I will have to stay separate even though it is literally killing me. I can almost understand why Gamps killed himself if he felt anything like I do now. Trying to hold together a family that feels utterly hopeless.
All i've ever wanted is to feel like I have a happy family. And i'll be honest the reason why i'm leaving the place where I am right now is because it is killing me to wake up in a house filled with so much love. Its making me hurt. And that scares me that I wont be able to handle happiness later on when I start my own family and i'll self-destruct that too. I don't want the cycle of my parents and their parents mistakes to continue through me. But how does it end... God how does it end
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