At any given point in any particular day many different unanswered questions remain. That is life. Knowledge, however, is how you seek to answer those questions everyday. I most notably must mention two continuously burning questions in my life of late. Allow me to flesh them out for you...
How am I able to be shallow when it hurts me so much to be a victim of the same offense?
This is a rather recent ephinany of mine. The ephinany is not that I'm shallow of course, I've known that for years. The new revelation is that I get grossly offended that now that I'm not "putting out" per say the opposite sex no longer finds me attractive. Now my logical mind tells me that obviously they didn't find me attractive in the first place then (which may I add is a whole nother round of deep emotional scaring). Which now leaves me in a position of finding a certain type of man physically appealing regardless of how emotionally retarded they are. So let's recap that little bit before going farther. I find hot men hot, they used to pretend to find me at least mildly attractive in order to sleep with me, I stopped having sex, hot men stopped dating me which one can infer that is because I was not attractive to them in the first place, which ultimately leaves me with taste for a specific physical caliber of man which can not be met with my current lifestyle since not a single attractive man here will date me more then once which even then is usually just basic manners playing out in the church community. So now I'm brought to the realization that those men are shallow and it hurts to think that they won't appreciate me for me and won't look past my exterior. Which brings me to point two. I am shallow and hurt others the same way. I have known men who I was not super physically attracted too (or not at all) who have treated me like the most precious of gems but since I'm used to more attractive men I pass these guys over in favor of waiting it out for someone's outer beauty. Now if you'll follow that you'll notice I'm doing the same thing to them that so hurts me. I understand that a level of physical attraction in a mate is important but where is the line one way or another? How do I learn to practice what I preach. And when does it go from settling to finding a good match for more then beauty.
What do I have to do to be loved and accepted and learn to do the same?
One can only hope prayer will show me the way.
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