Things this week have been absolutely crazy... even by my standards. I will start off where we left off last week (and you should have that reply about work and whatnot) Tuesday I lost two very good friends of mine who could not handle my testimony of the church. It hurt to lose one in particular because he was such an amazing friend to me for a very long time. The other sent me the following message on Facebook:
S______ C_______: (me)
:)
I don't see why you care Dan. And you can't say its out of a friends concern cuz I tried to reach out to you lots of times and you just ignore me. I'm so happy and filled with love for God/Jesus all the time now and understand so many principles now then before. Chastity, homosexuality, hell. Everything makes sense to me now and it didn't before and you were right about so many things. I wish you could see my joy at being so in love with the gospel. But these people have been better friends to me then anyone I've ever known. And I forgive you I know that distance is hard. And I want you to know how sorry I am for the times we argued. I was never comfortable around you because I could not understanding how it would be possible for me to live the kind of virtuous life you did. You were a shinny white car and I was a can of spray paint and I didn't/couldn't ruin you. You scared me in ways I understand finally. It was just one step closer to exposing me to what I'm capable of being with gods love . I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, I've been chaste totally in every sense and I've never felt more alive. I'm happy, isn't that ok?
D_______ C__________ (him)
Despite it all, I do care. Call it what you will, friend's concern or not, I am concerned. I LOVE that you've found people that are accepting, but the devil doesn't wear a red bodysuit and pitchfork. He wears a smile, and an accepting face while he fills truth with one lie in order to break those who are seeking God off of his path. Mormonism, Sam, is a lie, and the Gospel they preach is not the one of Jesus Christ, it is the gospel of Joseph Smith.. That does not discount the level of morality that these people live at. It does not mean that they don't comprehend the words of Proverbs, or of the gospel... anyone who can read can. But what it does mean, is that they elevate a MAN, Joseph Smith, (who I can get to later) to the level of God and Jesus Christ. That, right there is one of many reasons that Mormonism is completely off base. Sam, if I have been right about so many things, I promise that I will walk through this one simply to understand and have you understand what you have been walking into. Trust me, this is not the theology in God's word.
As for the shiny white car/spray paint thing, I wish that I was. Christ is my shiny white paint, and Im so sorry that you found me at a place in my life where I wasn't man enough to let you know that I am a broken person, save for Jesus Christ. You weren't some destructive force, and I am so sorry that I scarred you, and when I woke up this morning, my heart is sick, because I know that because I wasn't willing to love in all circumstances, and wasn't able to be honest with you, myself, or God. Heck, if you only knew. I am less than a shiny coat. In the car metaphor, I was a pinto with a shiny coat of paint and a fancy horn with tons and tons of rust. But thats what is great about all of that. Because jesus is in my life, God doesn't see me as the broken individual. He sees me as a Son.
I Love that you have found a reason for morality, and a consistent ability to practice it. Morality is something that even atheists practice. Im glad you feel alive. I Love that your happy. But in my heart, I find myself as broken as the last real conversation we had. Except now, I realize, by being distant, I may have lost my capacity to show you how completely honest I need to be about this. I Love you Sam, as a sister, as a friend, despite my distance that is my fault and my fault alone. Pray on this one. Know in your heart that Jesus Christ is God.
I am so terribly sorry.
S___________ C__________ (me)
Don't be sorry. You lived you life how you needed to and that's what matters. There will always be a part of me that cares for you. And I pray that you find the strength you need. I will say though that nothing I've learned in my few weeks of study has lead me to conclude that there is any worship of the Prophet Joseph Smith. He is seen as a prophet like elijah or any other prophet. The Book of Mormon are more parables and lessons on loving christ. Its NOT the church of Joseph Smith its the church of Jesus Christ. And they follow so closely to the setup of the new testament church its amazing. these people have been here for me when no one else was. I was laying in the hospital in agony for over a week and my own mother who is on an I hate sam crusade right now only visited me once for ten min. Where as someone at church was checking on me all the time. They have been the most stalwart friends I've ever had and its because they love Christ and want to be an example of his love. There is no hypocrisy in them. They strive to be more like our loving Savior more then any group of people I know. My mother threw me out of her house because I tried to stand up to my brother. I was homeless and they gave me shelter. They've been here for me. And when I had no where else to go I got sent to utah to live with a friends family here. I've never met a group of people who love christ more. I love you Dan in ways only we know through our friendship. I pray that you know that not only am I happy in my decision I know it's the right one. I hope one day you can accept me for that regardless.
So yeah that was a fun little bit of my Tuesday. But after a night of ernest prayer I begged Heavenly Father to lead me, guide me, and walk beside me (feel free to sing the rest of the song in your head cuz goodness knows I am) and I inquired of him why I'm not interested in dating or have any urge to do much else besides work and immerse myself in the Gospel of our Savior. ... Wednesday I received that answer in the kind of epiphany that brought me to tears (and we both knowI'm not really a crying kinda girl) and has changed my perspective on so many levels. I was laying in bed (lol yours and staring at the glorious blank plaster wall that is the center piece which makes me giggle everyday) and got the strangest impression that I should look a the Institute schedule. I did and saw that there is a 5:30 class on Teachings of the Living Prophets. I decided that I should go and I was only one of 4 people in the class (and I was late to top it all off!) but the lesson was on following the directions that Heavenly Father lays out for us and we listened to the story of Ananias (which I remember liking before but now I feel a certain connection the the story and Ananias himself) Let me set the stage for this story.
Imagine for a moment that this is the week of Saul’s arrival at Damascus. By this time Saul has gained a reputation as the ringleader of the movement to make Christianity extinct. A devout Hellenistic Jew, of the tribe of Benjamin, born in Tarsus of Cilicia, Saul was a member of the Pharisees and was taught by none other than Gamaliel, whom is mentioned in Acts 5:34-40. Saul did not agree with his teacher, Gamaliel, on how the Christians should be dealt with, however. Rather, he sought the arrest, trial, conviction, and punishment (with imprisonment the norm and death the ideal, it would seem) of those in Jerusalem. His career as a persecutor of Christians seems to have begun with Stephen, but it quickly spread to all of the Christians in Jerusalem (Acts 7:58–8:3). Saul was not content to punish some and to drive the rest from the “holy city.” He did not want to merely contain Christianity or to drive it from Jerusalem; he wanted to rid the earth of Christianity and its followers. Thus, his opposition to Christ and His church took on a “missionary” spirit. Saul went to other cities where he sought to arrest Christians and to bring them back to Jerusalem for punishment. Damascus, a city some 150 miles to the northeast of Jerusalem, was one such city. Word was out that Saul would soon be arriving. What a shock Saul’s conversion must have been to both groups! To the church, Saul turned out to be a friend, a fellow-believer, in fact, a flaming evangelist, who proclaimed Christ more clearly and powerfully than anyone had previously done in Damascus. The church did not shrink or suffer for Saul’s arrival, but it grew because of it. And the second group, who were waiting for Saul to come and help them deal with the followers of “the Way,” were about to discover that Saul had joined them, perhaps bringing other members of the opposition along with him. Did they think their task would be a simple one? They found that their cause was literally shut down by Saul’s arrival, and the wind was taken out of their sails by his conversion. What can you say about Christianity when its most outspoken and zealous opponent suddenly claims to have seen the risen Christ, and to have trusted in Him as the Messiah?
But what do we learn of Ananias, Overshadowed by the aw and conversion of Saul. Acts 9: 10-16 has become something I find myself reading and re-reading again and again. Its a story of a reluctant missionary and his call to serve the Lord. The verses go like this: 10 Now there was a certain disciple at Damascus, named Ananias; and the Lord said to him in a vision, “Ananias.” And he said, “Behold, here am I, Lord.” 11 And the Lord said to him, “Arise and go to the street called Straight, and inquire at the house of Judas for a man from Tarsus named Saul, for behold, he is praying, 12 and he has seen in a vision a man named Ananias come in and lay his hands on him, so that he might regain his sight.” 13 But Ananias answered, “Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much harm he did to Thy saints at Jerusalem; 14 and here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call upon Thy name.”15 But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is a chosen instrument of Mine, to bear My name before the Gentiles and kings and the sons of Israel; 16 for I will show him how much he must suffer for My name’s sake.”
I love how the Lord spoke to Ananias and he was instantly letting God know that he was there and ready to do what the Lord asked of him... Until it got to rough for him to handle when Heavenly Father let him know it was the dreaded Saul, Slayer of the Jews to whom he was being sent. then Ananias questions God! Asking him if he is sure and if he knows how bad Saul is. And It makes me think of heavenly fathers infinite patience with us! I swear I can almost see him sighing and smiling and gently reminding Ananias to go anyway. It has become one of my favorite lessons Elder, and one I hope you take to heart.
This lesson has helped me to identify the ways in my own life that I second guess God's plan for me. I am striving now everyday with this lesson at heart to follow Heavenly Fathers path for my life. Which brings me to the next institute class in which Brother Zarbock (a member of our ward presidency counsel) teaches the 7pm Book of Mormon institute class and halfway through he got very emotional talking about people in history who have risked everything to follow the promptings of the holy ghost. stared me down, and through tears asked me to bare my testimony... which is still very hard for me (this time especially since it was a more intimate setting and it was also R_____ & C______ first time hearing the full version) I tell you the look on others peoples faces when I finished was a mixture of shock, awe, moved spiritual awareness, and I'm sure on my face a tad of mortification since the same story cost me two friends and a family already)
Following that class however is where the real magic happened. The forum speaker was Brother Alex Boye' and honestly I think the man has changed my life. A convert who has an amazing conversion story and isn't afraid to shout it (literally) to the rafters. He spoke about how life gets in the way for converts because we keep trying to live to the standards of success our old lives taught us to strive for. By the end I knew that my focus should be on fulfilling my callings, loving the gospel everyday, and preparing to serve a mission regardless of how old ill be when I get back. I met with my bishop today to discuss the details and if I save 40% for my mission the stake will cover the rest. I did promise though when i spoke to the bishopric that if i met a nice guy who was serious about me and I about him I would consider waiting to serve a mission when we can do so as a senior couple. I did let him know though that if that did happen that I'd hope my husband would be ok for short term missions on our own over summer breaks to different places. I am so filled with the Lords love Ashton I just want to let others know of the blessings in my life because of it.
I could talk for hours but I need sleep and this letter is already too long. I miss you Elder and I want you to come home in March filled with more amazing stories and a determination to cling to the Gospel for the rest of your life and beyond.
With All my Respect, Love, and Affection
Samantha
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